Cosmetic Surgery

This is the first in a multiple-part series dedicated to exposing the truth behind cartoon character makeovers — from back alley liposuction to designer boob jobs, and all the juicy tidbits in between.

Over the course of a lengthy investigation, our Dirt Team has uncovered mouthwatering rumors and astonishing, potentially-career-ending accusations about some of the hottest animated stars around and their purported “hand-drawn” good looks. We assembled a panel of the most esteemed and scrupulous plastic surgery experts and asked them this question: Real or Digitally Enhanced?

In our opening stanza, we have decided to focus on one of our most beloved cartoon stars. From her humble beginnings as a cocktail waitress and sometime body double for some of the more modest celebs in Toontown, through her rapid ascent into animated high-society, to her precipitous fall from grace following her husband’s accusation for murder, we admired her innate ability to maintain her sultry, strawberries-and-whipped-cream appeal. But it now appears that she had a little help. These are the cosmetic chronicles of Jessica Rabbit

• Those come-hither LIPS: BOTOX® Cosmetic treatments, Restylane® injections, fat grafts, collagen.
• Those voluptuous BREASTS: breast lift, breast augmentation with saline implants
• That callipygious BOOTY: liposuction, fat grafting, Brazilian butt lift
• That smooth, lustrous SKIN: laser skin resurfacing, microdermabrasion, chemical peels, laser hair removal
• That larger-than-life, curvaceous FIGURE: body lift, bariatric surgery, tummy tuck
• That pouty, yet striking FACE: blepharoplasty, rhinoplasty, chin augmentation with implants, brow lift, laser hair removal, BOTOX®, Restylane® and collagen (dermal fillers), cleft palate reconstruction.

In the realm of cosmetic surgery, this could fall into the category of a “no brainer.” Finally, women can lose weight and have their breasts enlarged all at once. This revolutionary new procedure, fittingly named Celution by its creators, involves minor liposuction of “problem areas” — such as the arms, thighs, and belly – and the transferring of this fatty tissue to an area that can carry more of it, the breasts.

Breast enlargement (sans fat relocation) has been one of the most popular cosmetic procedures over the last two decades. What I find so hard to believe about this procedure isn’t that it provides a new alternative for breast enhancement (which, as we all know, is a good thing); it’s that it took so long for a company to invent a safe, effective way of doing it. We’ve all played with play-dough and silly putty before. The easiest way of changing the shape of an object (let’s say, a clay Anna Nicole Smith figurine) is to take off the part you don’t want and transplant it to a part that needs more bulk.

This same principle can be seen in Celution (which incidentally sounds a little too much like “cellulite” for my tastes.) It makes one wonder if they simply pump the slurry that is extracted in the liposuction part of the procedure directly into the mammary tissue, effectively building a sort of “fat cushion” behind the existing fat in the breast. Kinda makes you think for a second about what’s really important in life.

It has been calculated that if a Barbie doll was a real woman, she’d be 7 feet tall with a 44 inch bust, 17 inch waist, and 40 inch hips.  Disproportionate, she wouldn’t be able to walk properly (a “life-sized” model of the plastic glamour-girl turned she-monster collapsed in half, unable to support her upper half).  Too thin, she wouldn’t have breasts or be able to menstruate, and she would be at risk for a heart attack and osteoporosis as early as in her twenties.

Despite her alarmingly unrealistic dimensions, women have continuously striven to adhere to the blonde, thin, busty standard of beauty that is Barbie.

51 year-old Cindy Jackson has adhered to this standard a bit much.  That is to say, literally.

Boasting the title “The Human Barbie,” Jackson has dedicated her life to becoming the physical incarnation of the doll.  With extensive work done to her breasts, knees, abdomen, thighs, nose, eyes, forehead, hairline, chin, lips, and skin, Jackson (not to be confused with the other surgery aficionado of the same appellation) has had over 47 cosmetic procedures.  She has even earned a Guinness World Record for her achievement.

Even stranger, Jackson has a rival for the title.  Sarah Barge, 47, of the UK, has had over 120 hours of surgery (and counting) on every visible body part except her feet in her own effort to become Barbie.

But at the end of a long day of defending her title and promoting her line of skin care products, Jackson returns to her “dream house” to the arms of her very own Ken.  Husband Steve Erhardt has himself had over thirty surgeries and spent over a quarter of a million dollars molding himself into Barbie’s—err, Jackson’s—other half.

A popular website, myfreeimplants.com has been getting a lot of international media attention. In a cynical nutshell, this new site is where men and women can gather together to support each other’s hopes and dreams.

For the ladies, it’s the promise of confidence and self assurance in the form of free breast implants. For the men, it’s economically priced porn and the possibility of cheap cyber sex.

These are the kind of capitalistic values that have made our country truly great.

Think of it as MySpace with a twist. On this site, ladies can sign up, create a profile, blog, post photos, and request live chats with one of the more than 7,000 men who are members of the site. For a donation, a guy can chat with one of the girls, exchange messages, or request *ahem* photos. Those donation credits (minus about 15 percent for the company’s costs), go into an account for the individual woman. After several months, there is enough money in the account for about 400cc’s of silicone.

Although the site allows nudity on profiles, it does not promote porn, and will not allow the proverbial “crotch shot” on profiles. But it doesn’t discourage sharing pornography either. According to the rules of the site, when it comes to sending photos of yourself to benefactors, “Anything goes!”

After the ladies have reached their donation goals, they are allowed to choose a doctor and the site’s administrators will send that doctor a check in the specified amount.

Stay tuned for an in-depth investigative story, hereafter titled, “How I Got My Boobs for Free.” Or possibly, “My Disappointed Parents.”

Number one: I’m not a woman.
Number two: Every person’s body is his/her own temple, and has the right to accentuate his/her own body as he/she sees fit.

That said, I do have opinions, particularly when it comes to plastic surgery among our celebrity-set. A recent article in an on-line entertainment magazine contained an interview with Courtney Cox in which she stated she wouldn’t mind some plastic surgery as she gets older, but the hubby, David Arquette, is not so keen on the idea. This got me to thinking: from everything I’ve read and heard, Diane Keaton has never had plastic surgery, is in her 60’s, and looks incredible. Same with Helen Mirren and Meryl Streep. These are some of the most talented, hardest-working actresses in the world, single-handedly defying the antiquated, horrifically unfair notion that women past 40 are washed up in Hollywood. The overwhelming pressures on women, particularly in the entertainment industry, to be thin, beautiful, young, and perfect ALL THE TIME overshadow the fact that women can and do grow older gracefully. In my opinion, any man or woman worth his/her intellectual, emotional, and enlightened salt can attest that brains, wisdom, culture and care for natural beauty trumps collagenized lips, tightened faces, and botoxed brows any day.

Again, I’m not a woman so I can’t possibly understand the pressures they are under. But as a dude who recognizes the beauty and wonder that is woman, I say don’t do it Courtney. You’re too fabulous to ever need it.

Sweet Stephanie Tanner is Finally All Grown Up!

The latest in early 90s sitcom news is Jodie Sweetin. Well. More accurately – Jodie Sweetin’s huge rack. Clearly back on crack, Sweetin’s sweetheart image has once again been sullied after she appeared all over Hollywood sporting a new set of knockers. And to be clear, these implants are not intended to add an aesthetic sense of proportion to her slight frame. No, these boobs were exploding out of her shirt like fleshy fireworks… The kind that make your dog hide under the bed and whimper. Her pink top strained at the seams trying to contain them.

This surgical decision on her part bears several questions for me: For one, has she fallen off the proverbial wagon? What woman would need attention so badly that she would be willing to put two 5-pound sacks of silicone into her chest? Unless you’re planning on letting someone build a summer home in your cleavage, I see little to no benefit to breast implants so large that they could dictate their own gravity.

And then… I am drawn to the more philosophical aspects of this “development”: Can breast implants really be too big?

Based on thorough research (or… a Google search that returned a lot of porn), there are many doctors out there who specialize in placing larger breast implants for a more “dramatic effect.” Apparently, you can get up to 1000cc breast implants, which would be the equivalent of DDs. But seriously, who actually goes and gets them? I think that large of an implant should be reserved strictly for strippers and real estate agents. There needs to be some sort of employment criteria for that much silicone… And honey, I am pretty sure you haven’t worked since you were 13.

As we sit shiva on Full House’s loveable Stephanie Tanner, I hope we can remember her as an angelic little girl who grew up, went on a meth binge, and made some poor plastic surgery decisions. Maybe the real lesson here is that you should never listen to Uncle Jesse.

Need a breast augmentation to look like a Barbie doll? Don’t worry, you can still be a Miss America of sorts at the Beauty Enhancement Awards. This pageant celebrates “natural beauty with enhancement,” which is to say, natural beauty artificially altered with thousands of dollars in plastic surgery.

Surgically augmented, lifted, and rejuvenated contestants compete in a variety of categories, including best makeover, best liposuction, best tummy tuck, best breast augmentation, best couple makeover, and other categories. There’s also an award for best plastic surgeon. It’s not all about aesthetics, though. Contestants discuss how their makeover affected their lives in the interview segment, no world peace speeches necessary. Winners receive products provided by the show’s sponsor, the Make Me Heal cosmetic surgery website.

Some may decry this “educational” competition as despicable, but is it really different than any other beauty pageant? The Miss USA® contest’s official policy is to allow plastic surgery as it is impossible to enforce a rule forbidding it. In an effort to discourage plastic surgery, though, Miss USA® has permitted the use of bra padding since 1990 (the no-padding rule proved equally unenforceable, I would guess). The Miss America® scholarship organization is mum on the subject.

I think we all can recognize the real crime here. Someone should tell these women that there are more reliable methods of getting a college education out of breast implants than winning a beauty pageant.

When one woman’s 40DD breast implants cushioned her vital organs during a car crash, news outlets highlighted the novelty of the faux-boob fluke, radio DJs exchanged morning talk show chortles, and life went on. Now, several cosmetic surgeons claim that this is not an isolated incident – breast implants may have the power to save women’s lives in car accidents by acting as airbags.

The bursting of Bulgaria native Elena Marinova’s DDs was the implant rupture heard ‘round the world in October 2006, when Marinova walked away from a full-frontal car crash without serious injuries. Investigators claimed that her silicone implants “absorbed the impact of the crash,” working just like airbags to protect Marinova’s ribs and vital organs. The other driver involved in the crash was seriously injured.

Other surgeons have since come forth with patient stories which appear to verify that implants can be effective airbags. Board-certified plastic surgeon Dr. Lawrence H. Foster of the Tahoe Clinic claims one of his patients was “saved” by her pair of gel implants. This 65-year-old woman visited Dr. Foster after a serious car crash that ruptured her left implant and left five ribs fractured. According to Dr. Foster, the patient’s account of her medical treatment following the crash indicated that “she had had a life-threatening injury, which very well could have been a fatal cardiac contusion without the ‘internal airbag.’”

In the past, people have tried to take tax deductions for some pretty weird stuff (body oil, an African safari, cat food), but recently a few shrewd entertainers have attempted to write off something a little closer to their hearts: their breast implants.

If you can prove that your cosmetic surgery is necessary for your job, it may be a legitimate tax write-off. One exotic dancer was able to sue the IRS and take a tax deduction for $2,088, the cost of her size 56FF breast implants. The woman, whose stage name was “Chesty Love,” claimed her breasts were a “stage prop” essential to her act and that they got her more tips. Adding further credibility to her case, she argued that her breasts were uncomfortable and burdensome at 10 pounds each, and that any benefit she derived from them was purely business related.

Don’t rush to schedule that consultation just yet, though. Unless your cosmetic surgery is a necessity in order to perform your job, you may have a difficult time getting Uncle Sam to foot the bill.

The key word there is trend, fashion trend. Meaning, it’s a fad that will fade… only the scar most likely won’t. Several years ago, simple tattoos as the main form of body modification went mainstream as more and more people wanted intricate design-work showcased on their skin. At first, I couldn’t really understand why people would want to add permanent poster-art to their bodies. What if they didn’t like the result? What if they regretted it immediately afterwards? What if that forearm-tattoo of the Eiffel Tower, commemorating a lovely visit to the city of love, turned out to look more like a… well, you get it. But then, as popularity grew, I noticed something interesting… certain people with certain tattoos in certain areas started to look pretty darn sexy. I personally enjoy those rope-lightening-looking thingy’s around well-defined biceps, but to each his own. I’ve still never had a tattoo myself, but at least I got over a somewhat prudish outlook on them.
But scar-tattoos? Branding, burning and cutting one’s self to showcase an intricate patchwork of… what? Severe wounds? Again, just me, but I don’t see it.
Scarification can be a dangerous practice, particularly if you’ve got someone doing the scarring who doesn’t know a lot about the risks of infection and human anatomy. And since the practice isn’t as popular as tattooing, it’s not easy to find an experienced artist.

Remember, scarring yourself is deliberately hurting your skin. There are other, safer ways to keep up with the fashionista Joneses, or to become the non-conformist Annie Hall of your generation. Carving yourself up is not one of them.