Cosmetic Surgery

This is the first in a multiple-part series dedicated to exposing the truth behind cartoon character makeovers — from back alley liposuction to designer boob jobs, and all the juicy tidbits in between.

Over the course of a lengthy investigation, our Dirt Team has uncovered mouthwatering rumors and astonishing, potentially-career-ending accusations about some of the hottest animated stars around and their purported “hand-drawn” good looks. We assembled a panel of the most esteemed and scrupulous plastic surgery experts and asked them this question: Real or Digitally Enhanced?

In our opening stanza, we have decided to focus on one of our most beloved cartoon stars. From her humble beginnings as a cocktail waitress and sometime body double for some of the more modest celebs in Toontown, through her rapid ascent into animated high-society, to her precipitous fall from grace following her husband’s accusation for murder, we admired her innate ability to maintain her sultry, strawberries-and-whipped-cream appeal. But it now appears that she had a little help. These are the cosmetic chronicles of Jessica Rabbit

• Those come-hither LIPS: BOTOX® Cosmetic treatments, Restylane® injections, fat grafts, collagen.
• Those voluptuous BREASTS: breast lift, breast augmentation with saline implants
• That callipygious BOOTY: liposuction, fat grafting, Brazilian butt lift
• That smooth, lustrous SKIN: laser skin resurfacing, microdermabrasion, chemical peels, laser hair removal
• That larger-than-life, curvaceous FIGURE: body lift, bariatric surgery, tummy tuck
• That pouty, yet striking FACE: blepharoplasty, rhinoplasty, chin augmentation with implants, brow lift, laser hair removal, BOTOX®, Restylane® and collagen (dermal fillers), cleft palate reconstruction.

In the realm of cosmetic surgery, this could fall into the category of a “no brainer.” Finally, women can lose weight and have their breasts enlarged all at once. This revolutionary new procedure, fittingly named Celution by its creators, involves minor liposuction of “problem areas” — such as the arms, thighs, and belly – and the transferring of this fatty tissue to an area that can carry more of it, the breasts.

Breast enlargement (sans fat relocation) has been one of the most popular cosmetic procedures over the last two decades. What I find so hard to believe about this procedure isn’t that it provides a new alternative for breast enhancement (which, as we all know, is a good thing); it’s that it took so long for a company to invent a safe, effective way of doing it. We’ve all played with play-dough and silly putty before. The easiest way of changing the shape of an object (let’s say, a clay Anna Nicole Smith figurine) is to take off the part you don’t want and transplant it to a part that needs more bulk.

This same principle can be seen in Celution (which incidentally sounds a little too much like “cellulite” for my tastes.) It makes one wonder if they simply pump the slurry that is extracted in the liposuction part of the procedure directly into the mammary tissue, effectively building a sort of “fat cushion” behind the existing fat in the breast. Kinda makes you think for a second about what’s really important in life.

Not everyone has the cojones or the cash to get plastic surgery, but as the thriving beauty industry indicates, that doesn’t mean people are halting in their quests to fix their features. As plastic surgery becomes more popular, alternatives are springing up, many claiming to provide similar results with less pain and a whole lot less money. Take, for example, the Coco Beautiful New Look of Nose. While an outsider might label this nose clip a glorified plastic clothespin, some Japanese, Korean, or Taiwanese businessman out there has saved thousands of dollars on rhinoplasty surgery by dutifully applying the $7.50 clip to his nose for hours each evening.

For individuals with aging faces who don’t want to shell out big bucks for facelift surgery, there’s always the Facial Flex Facial Exercise and Toning Kit, which allows you to exercise your facial muscles in much the same way as a gasping fish. As one user in the infomercial puts it, “Even if I don’t see any [results] quite yet, I know that something’s happening and I know that I will see something soon.” If one can halt the aging process by placebo effect alone, she’s got it made.

Of course, such desperate measures aren’t unique to our time. Even before the existence of plastic surgery, women especially looked for alternative ways to enhance, reduce, and lift their way to aesthetic glory. The Psycho-Expander was marketed around the turn of the century to “develop neck, chest, and shoulders to striking beauty” by doubling women’s breathing capacity (read: cup size) for “perfect breath control” (man control) by means of a harness strapped around the chest. At some point, a girl’s just got to look at herself, laden with nose clip, mouth wire, and boob harness and have this epiphany: just get the surgery.

A popular website, myfreeimplants.com has been getting a lot of international media attention. In a cynical nutshell, this new site is where men and women can gather together to support each other’s hopes and dreams.

For the ladies, it’s the promise of confidence and self assurance in the form of free breast implants. For the men, it’s economically priced porn and the possibility of cheap cyber sex.

These are the kind of capitalistic values that have made our country truly great.

Think of it as MySpace with a twist. On this site, ladies can sign up, create a profile, blog, post photos, and request live chats with one of the more than 7,000 men who are members of the site. For a donation, a guy can chat with one of the girls, exchange messages, or request *ahem* photos. Those donation credits (minus about 15 percent for the company’s costs), go into an account for the individual woman. After several months, there is enough money in the account for about 400cc’s of silicone.

Although the site allows nudity on profiles, it does not promote porn, and will not allow the proverbial “crotch shot” on profiles. But it doesn’t discourage sharing pornography either. According to the rules of the site, when it comes to sending photos of yourself to benefactors, “Anything goes!”

After the ladies have reached their donation goals, they are allowed to choose a doctor and the site’s administrators will send that doctor a check in the specified amount.

Stay tuned for an in-depth investigative story, hereafter titled, “How I Got My Boobs for Free.” Or possibly, “My Disappointed Parents.”

Sweet Stephanie Tanner is Finally All Grown Up!

The latest in early 90s sitcom news is Jodie Sweetin. Well. More accurately – Jodie Sweetin’s huge rack. Clearly back on crack, Sweetin’s sweetheart image has once again been sullied after she appeared all over Hollywood sporting a new set of knockers. And to be clear, these implants are not intended to add an aesthetic sense of proportion to her slight frame. No, these boobs were exploding out of her shirt like fleshy fireworks… The kind that make your dog hide under the bed and whimper. Her pink top strained at the seams trying to contain them.

This surgical decision on her part bears several questions for me: For one, has she fallen off the proverbial wagon? What woman would need attention so badly that she would be willing to put two 5-pound sacks of silicone into her chest? Unless you’re planning on letting someone build a summer home in your cleavage, I see little to no benefit to breast implants so large that they could dictate their own gravity.

And then… I am drawn to the more philosophical aspects of this “development”: Can breast implants really be too big?

Based on thorough research (or… a Google search that returned a lot of porn), there are many doctors out there who specialize in placing larger breast implants for a more “dramatic effect.” Apparently, you can get up to 1000cc breast implants, which would be the equivalent of DDs. But seriously, who actually goes and gets them? I think that large of an implant should be reserved strictly for strippers and real estate agents. There needs to be some sort of employment criteria for that much silicone… And honey, I am pretty sure you haven’t worked since you were 13.

As we sit shiva on Full House’s loveable Stephanie Tanner, I hope we can remember her as an angelic little girl who grew up, went on a meth binge, and made some poor plastic surgery decisions. Maybe the real lesson here is that you should never listen to Uncle Jesse.

When one woman’s 40DD breast implants cushioned her vital organs during a car crash, news outlets highlighted the novelty of the faux-boob fluke, radio DJs exchanged morning talk show chortles, and life went on. Now, several cosmetic surgeons claim that this is not an isolated incident – breast implants may have the power to save women’s lives in car accidents by acting as airbags.

The bursting of Bulgaria native Elena Marinova’s DDs was the implant rupture heard ‘round the world in October 2006, when Marinova walked away from a full-frontal car crash without serious injuries. Investigators claimed that her silicone implants “absorbed the impact of the crash,” working just like airbags to protect Marinova’s ribs and vital organs. The other driver involved in the crash was seriously injured.

Other surgeons have since come forth with patient stories which appear to verify that implants can be effective airbags. Board-certified plastic surgeon Dr. Lawrence H. Foster of the Tahoe Clinic claims one of his patients was “saved” by her pair of gel implants. This 65-year-old woman visited Dr. Foster after a serious car crash that ruptured her left implant and left five ribs fractured. According to Dr. Foster, the patient’s account of her medical treatment following the crash indicated that “she had had a life-threatening injury, which very well could have been a fatal cardiac contusion without the ‘internal airbag.’”

In the past, people have tried to take tax deductions for some pretty weird stuff (body oil, an African safari, cat food), but recently a few shrewd entertainers have attempted to write off something a little closer to their hearts: their breast implants.

If you can prove that your cosmetic surgery is necessary for your job, it may be a legitimate tax write-off. One exotic dancer was able to sue the IRS and take a tax deduction for $2,088, the cost of her size 56FF breast implants. The woman, whose stage name was “Chesty Love,” claimed her breasts were a “stage prop” essential to her act and that they got her more tips. Adding further credibility to her case, she argued that her breasts were uncomfortable and burdensome at 10 pounds each, and that any benefit she derived from them was purely business related.

Don’t rush to schedule that consultation just yet, though. Unless your cosmetic surgery is a necessity in order to perform your job, you may have a difficult time getting Uncle Sam to foot the bill.

Ten reasons why you should get bigger boobs with that diploma…

10. At graduation, you’ve officially reached the end of your gawky phase. Emerge from high school like the beautiful swan that you are.

9. Because your boobs are only going south from here on out. Your breasts have reached their literal and proverbial peak. A set of implants will keep the girls from taking on that oh-so-unattractive banana-boob look.

8. Your daddy had the nerve to deny your request for implants on your 16th birthday. Cash in that college fund and assert your power.

7. At 18 years old, you are a legal adult. You can now buy porn, lottery tickets, and smokes. Why not a pair of breasts? It just makes sense.

6. Breast implants increase your chances of being a finalist on The Flavor of Love by 37 percent.

5. Implants are really a financially sound investment with potential for long-term gain. We’ve laid out the equation for you:

Big Boobs = Boyfriend x (Yacht + Trips to Aspen + Condo in France…)

Yeah, I know – The math is fuzzy.

4. College. The inevitable next step. And no one there has to know you were barely breaking an A-cup in high school.

3. Hot frat guys will dig your “awesome personality.” You will share long, romantic nights snuggling both his beer bong and the toilet.

2. Implants make you smarter. With a pair of double-Ds, you will coast right through your M.R.S. degree.

1. You’re never going to win the Cabo Spring Break 2008 wet t-shirt contest with that chest.