Cosmetic Surgery

Need a breast augmentation to look like a Barbie doll? Don’t worry, you can still be a Miss America of sorts at the Beauty Enhancement Awards. This pageant celebrates “natural beauty with enhancement,” which is to say, natural beauty artificially altered with thousands of dollars in plastic surgery.

Surgically augmented, lifted, and rejuvenated contestants compete in a variety of categories, including best makeover, best liposuction, best tummy tuck, best breast augmentation, best couple makeover, and other categories. There’s also an award for best plastic surgeon. It’s not all about aesthetics, though. Contestants discuss how their makeover affected their lives in the interview segment, no world peace speeches necessary. Winners receive products provided by the show’s sponsor, the Make Me Heal cosmetic surgery website.

Some may decry this “educational” competition as despicable, but is it really different than any other beauty pageant? The Miss USA® contest’s official policy is to allow plastic surgery as it is impossible to enforce a rule forbidding it. In an effort to discourage plastic surgery, though, Miss USA® has permitted the use of bra padding since 1990 (the no-padding rule proved equally unenforceable, I would guess). The Miss America® scholarship organization is mum on the subject.

I think we all can recognize the real crime here. Someone should tell these women that there are more reliable methods of getting a college education out of breast implants than winning a beauty pageant.

(The male response to a previous blog regarding the G-Shot, a new cosmetic treatment, not yet approved by the F-D-A, involving a shot of collagen in the area of the “G-Spot” that is said to enhance female arousal and stimulation for up to four months.)

Um… please no.
I know, I’m a man and all, and I couldn’t possibly be expected to identify with the (seemingly omnipresent) orgasmic needs of a woman – wait, I am a man, so I guess I could identify with the omnipresent need for pleasure, just not in the physiological ways that women do – but… it’s a shot. A shot! IN YOUR GENITALS!!!! Are you mad?! My legs are crossed just thinking about it. Besides, what if something goes wrong? As many success stories that collagen treatment for the face has provided, there have also been, shall we say, adverse effects as well. Like say, I don’t know, continuous expressions of surprise? Now imagine that applied to your privates. On second thought, don’t.

I know, I know. I’m a guy, and being a guy traditionally means that arousal several times a day is really not that hard (no pun intended). But come on! What if you get this wonder-collagen treatment, and it works so well you can’t stop it? You’ll be a living re-enactment of the restaurant scene in When Harry Met Sally. Do you really want to take the risk of sitting in an office meeting, or at a theatre, or in a museum… and out of nowhere your “sensual superpower” kicks in and you can’t stop groaning? Loudly?!

Sorry. I know men and women are different, but personally, I’d rather have a large pickle shoved up my nostril than a needle going anywhere near my bobbles.

One of the fastest-growing cosmetic trends in the last decade is being embraced by men. Manly men.

A lot of men these days are turning to BOTOX Cosmetic as a way of rejuvenating their faces, or just getting rid of frown lines that make them look angry and unapproachable. More and more, men are (thankfully) paying attention to looking the best they possibly can in social and business situations, and pursuing cosmetic options that were once considered cultural taboos for the male of the species (for many men, cosmetic treatment was akin to wearing make-up).

Botox is a relatively inexpensive way of keeping the face looking young and revitalized and filling in unwanted lines and wrinkles. However, gentlemen, if you’re at a party or a club and you’re out to impress the hot tamales in the room with your cool, suave manliness, remember that many women and men find the ruggedness that comes with age in the male to be extremely attractive, and an extra line or two on your face may even enhance your appeal.

Any kind of cosmetic treatment should be your decision and one that’s well thought-out, don’t base it on one other person’s opinion of how you look or “what you need”.

And if you decide Botox will make you feel and look better, be sure to find a qualified cosmetic surgeon or dermatologist to administer it. The last thing you want is a perpetual look of anger to turn into a perpetual look of shock.

Because that would not help your game.

When one woman’s 40DD breast implants cushioned her vital organs during a car crash, news outlets highlighted the novelty of the faux-boob fluke, radio DJs exchanged morning talk show chortles, and life went on. Now, several cosmetic surgeons claim that this is not an isolated incident – breast implants may have the power to save women’s lives in car accidents by acting as airbags.

The bursting of Bulgaria native Elena Marinova’s DDs was the implant rupture heard ‘round the world in October 2006, when Marinova walked away from a full-frontal car crash without serious injuries. Investigators claimed that her silicone implants “absorbed the impact of the crash,” working just like airbags to protect Marinova’s ribs and vital organs. The other driver involved in the crash was seriously injured.

Other surgeons have since come forth with patient stories which appear to verify that implants can be effective airbags. Board-certified plastic surgeon Dr. Lawrence H. Foster of the Tahoe Clinic claims one of his patients was “saved” by her pair of gel implants. This 65-year-old woman visited Dr. Foster after a serious car crash that ruptured her left implant and left five ribs fractured. According to Dr. Foster, the patient’s account of her medical treatment following the crash indicated that “she had had a life-threatening injury, which very well could have been a fatal cardiac contusion without the ‘internal airbag.’”

In a perfect world, all women would orgasm 100 percent of the time. Unfortunately, Cosmo tells us that is just not the case. According to some surveys, 75 percent of women don’t always reach orgasm during sex. Another survey says that up to 10 percent of women have never had an orgasm. That’s almost criminal…

Because I’m relatively cynical about how many men really care about these statistics and improving their “performance,” I think it’s time for women take “the O” upon themselves.

A G-Shot® might just be the answer we’ve been looking for.

Cleverly named, the G-Shot® is an injection of FDA-approved collagen into – you guessed it – that elusive G-spot. The collagen enlarges the area of the G-spot, which makes it easier to get excited about getting it on. According to the G-Shot® website, in a preliminary study, 87 percent of women who received the G-Shot® reported enhanced arousal and stimulation during sex. One patient claimed, “What a result. All I have to do is think about sex and I can feel my G-Spot react.” Not bad for a product your mom used to fill in her forehead crease.

The downside: There are only a handful of doctors in the U.S. that perform this procedure. There is also a fairly long list of risks – which includes no result at all. The procedure is not FDA-approved yet, so think hard about whether the potential pleasure is worth the potential problems.

The upside: You could be feeling the results of the G-Shot® for up to four months.

For me, there’s really just one question then:

Where do I sign up?

In the past, people have tried to take tax deductions for some pretty weird stuff (body oil, an African safari, cat food), but recently a few shrewd entertainers have attempted to write off something a little closer to their hearts: their breast implants.

If you can prove that your cosmetic surgery is necessary for your job, it may be a legitimate tax write-off. One exotic dancer was able to sue the IRS and take a tax deduction for $2,088, the cost of her size 56FF breast implants. The woman, whose stage name was “Chesty Love,” claimed her breasts were a “stage prop” essential to her act and that they got her more tips. Adding further credibility to her case, she argued that her breasts were uncomfortable and burdensome at 10 pounds each, and that any benefit she derived from them was purely business related.

Don’t rush to schedule that consultation just yet, though. Unless your cosmetic surgery is a necessity in order to perform your job, you may have a difficult time getting Uncle Sam to foot the bill.

The key word there is trend, fashion trend. Meaning, it’s a fad that will fade… only the scar most likely won’t. Several years ago, simple tattoos as the main form of body modification went mainstream as more and more people wanted intricate design-work showcased on their skin. At first, I couldn’t really understand why people would want to add permanent poster-art to their bodies. What if they didn’t like the result? What if they regretted it immediately afterwards? What if that forearm-tattoo of the Eiffel Tower, commemorating a lovely visit to the city of love, turned out to look more like a… well, you get it. But then, as popularity grew, I noticed something interesting… certain people with certain tattoos in certain areas started to look pretty darn sexy. I personally enjoy those rope-lightening-looking thingy’s around well-defined biceps, but to each his own. I’ve still never had a tattoo myself, but at least I got over a somewhat prudish outlook on them.
But scar-tattoos? Branding, burning and cutting one’s self to showcase an intricate patchwork of… what? Severe wounds? Again, just me, but I don’t see it.
Scarification can be a dangerous practice, particularly if you’ve got someone doing the scarring who doesn’t know a lot about the risks of infection and human anatomy. And since the practice isn’t as popular as tattooing, it’s not easy to find an experienced artist.

Remember, scarring yourself is deliberately hurting your skin. There are other, safer ways to keep up with the fashionista Joneses, or to become the non-conformist Annie Hall of your generation. Carving yourself up is not one of them.

Boundless luxury awaits those who seek the newest, most innovative spa treatments. And we mean boundless – would you like a quantum biofeedback stress reduction with your butt facial?

Now that multiple types of facial and massage have become standard day spa fare, salons are scrambling to find new treatments to add another dimension of luxury to patrons’ lives. Spa menus have gotten a whole lot weirder with creative procedures designed to pamper neglected areas of the body, including areas you didn’t necessarily know you had.

Take, for example, the Quantum Biofeedback Stress Reduction procedure available at the VH Spa for Vitality + Health. According to the spa director Brad Garrett, during this treatment a specialized computer measures the body’s source of electric energy and transmits impulses back to the body to restore balance to hormone, stress, and serotonin levels.

At the Euphoria Spa in Detroit, patrons can opt for the Sweet Cheeks Derriere Facial to soothe the skin on their rear ends. Butt skin is cleansed and exfoliated, and then a mask is applied. Hairy butts are waxed smooth, and every derriere facial concludes with a warm paraffin wax treatment.

Why stop there? Fine dining is mixed in with many of the country’s finest spa offerings. Patrons are pampered with Caviar Spa Pedicures at the Spa Newbury in Boston. The DeFranco Spagnolo Salon in Great Neck, N.Y. offers a sumptuous chocolate mani/pedi: “Splash around in a Chocolate Mineral Footbath followed by a Chocolate Scrub, Chocolate Mousse Mask, and a massage with our Chocolate Butter Cream!” bills the spa. To which we say, fine – just don’t touch our butts.

Ten reasons why you should get bigger boobs with that diploma…

10. At graduation, you’ve officially reached the end of your gawky phase. Emerge from high school like the beautiful swan that you are.

9. Because your boobs are only going south from here on out. Your breasts have reached their literal and proverbial peak. A set of implants will keep the girls from taking on that oh-so-unattractive banana-boob look.

8. Your daddy had the nerve to deny your request for implants on your 16th birthday. Cash in that college fund and assert your power.

7. At 18 years old, you are a legal adult. You can now buy porn, lottery tickets, and smokes. Why not a pair of breasts? It just makes sense.

6. Breast implants increase your chances of being a finalist on The Flavor of Love by 37 percent.

5. Implants are really a financially sound investment with potential for long-term gain. We’ve laid out the equation for you:

Big Boobs = Boyfriend x (Yacht + Trips to Aspen + Condo in France…)

Yeah, I know – The math is fuzzy.

4. College. The inevitable next step. And no one there has to know you were barely breaking an A-cup in high school.

3. Hot frat guys will dig your “awesome personality.” You will share long, romantic nights snuggling both his beer bong and the toilet.

2. Implants make you smarter. With a pair of double-Ds, you will coast right through your M.R.S. degree.

1. You’re never going to win the Cabo Spring Break 2008 wet t-shirt contest with that chest.

Can you have a nip without a tuck? Can you have a tuck without a nip?

After some strenuous online research I’ve discovered that in plastic surgery jargon these two words truly are inseparable. Occasionally, peanut butter and jelly will take a break from each other, and Regis will have to make do without Kelly every once in awhile.  But outside of Tuck’s brazen attempt to ditch Nip in the phrase “tummy tuck”, there is no tucking without nipping, and vice versa. Each word does describe a different part of the plastic surgery procedure. The “nip” is the actual incision that is made on the body, and the “tuck” refers to the pulling and tightening of the skin. So I would just like to remind the arbitrary punctuators at the FX television network that your dash is very divisive. And just to even things out, might I suggest the new phrase “navel nip”? I think it’s only fair.